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It's Time to Begin

Did you know Sean Patrick Flanery, Mr. Badass Boondock himself, is a motivational writer? Like, he has a website and a blog and he's working on a book and he answers your tweets and reads all the comments. He's all, interpersonal. I love him more now.
Anyway, I was in need of some of that aforementioned shit, so my discovery came at just the right time. I'm not into resolutions or New Years or days...but I have been thinking about what I want this year to mean and what I want to do with it. If I get to just work forty-eights and have five days off a week...I mean, can you imagine what I could do with that?! I could write a book, I could learn a language, I could finally get skinny. But over a month into this year, I haven't done any of those things. Well, I have signed up for six credit hours at TCC alongside my surg tech courses--so, you know, I can get that elusive degree I have been chasing for YEARS (by the way, I just found out I've been spelling elusive wrong all of these years. Elusive, allusive, and illusive are all DIFFERENT WORDS. Yay learning)--so I guess I have done SOMETHING to advance myself or whatever. But, it's not much. I want to do more. I want to make this year matter. More than just the year I got my associates and a job that I can take to Seattle with me. I want it to be important. To be a milestone. To be life-altering and powerful and a turning point. I want it to kick-ass.
So, why am I not starting on that? Because, we all know, I have been talking about this shit FOREVER. So, when am I gonna, like, accomplish something? Well, jesus guys, I am working on that. And This Is IT.
I have a history of saying that and never getting around to it. I have commitment issues. I have no follow-through (piles of unfinished knitting, I'm looking at you!). But, none of those things are actual problems. They are laziness and procrastination and, most of the time, the product of an overwhelming feeling of being overwhelmed. Hey, I want to do a lot of shit. It's fucking scary.
I mean, in actuality, all I have to do is say I am going to do it and keep that promise, every day. Right? Right.
So, then, why am I not doing that?
A few things are coming together to push me out of a funk I've been in since...since...gods, forever. Firstly, I see some serious laziness among my peers. I mean, shit, just lazy! I don't want to alienate anyone who might be a new friend and reading this, but, I have always been about honesty and I mean nothing mean by what I am about to say nor am I speaking about any one person: some of you people, me included, are just fucking lazy individuals. Not being able to wake up early enough for a late-lunch with friends, never studying when you have hours of time, complaining about losing weight but never joining a gym...I am guilty of all of these and so much more, especially during my funkier of funks. But, I don't know if I am just going through a phase or coming out of one, watching it, seeing it in friends, seeing it in myself, it's making me SICK. Goddammit, maybe I am growing up.
My apartment, the ridiculous mess it is, I can't take it. I can't be there. And I am so overwhelmed I just sit there and complain and don't fix it. And I am so annoyed right now.
My weight--100 whole pounds heavier than I should or want to be. And what have I done about it today?
Writing--oh my gods, WRITING. Other than being a surgeon, there is nothing in this world I have wanted to be more than an author. I have the skills, the ideas, the time...but do you see me hashing out any new stuff or working to perfect the old stuff? No. I'm reading the Walking Dead reddit and watching The Mindy Project--super cute show, by the way. Just sayin'--and I am fed up.
I want to be a better person. I want to feel better. I want to do better.
The second thing is SPF. People ask him for advice and motivation and he's just like "suck it up and do it." He could sell so many books with that shit.
Suck it up and do it. BITCH.
So, I guess I am, like, trying to commit to myself here or whatever.
And I want to be held to that commitment, but I'm the only person that can really do that, so I guess I'd better get my shit together and grow up.
Gods, this day is making my head hurt.
But I'm excited. Underneath all this fear and reluctance, I'm excited. Deep, deep down.
*headdesk*
It's so much easier to be a lazy, fat, messy bitch. But, I do always say nothing worthing having is easy. Fuck me.

Isn't It?

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