That Bloody Girl

Alright, fine. I'll update. I am supposed to be studying. But, then, you know, who cares? No surgery for me today. The hospital I am at this week had an extremely light schedule, so I took the opportunity to have a day off from working two jobs (and getting paid for one) and am letting my legs rest while working out my brain. By working out, I mean taking it for a slow jog. It's not really intense. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you guys something: I think I am happy. Like, actually. Happy with who I am; happy with where I am in my life; happy with where I am headed and the speed at which I am getting there. I feel like I've settled into the comfortable zone of mid-twenty-something with opportunity and options and all the ability in the world. I am confident and sure. I have a clear path that I am wandering down, and though it isn't necessarily straight or lit up or always crystal, it's laid out in front of me and feel at peace. I'm, like, happy. All w

Brace yourselves, because I just had the most radical idea: What if we treated other humans as if they were actual humans? I know, it's crazy. I am so sick of the platitude that goes around the health care world; the platitude that you should treat your patients as if they are a member of your family. "Treat them how you would want your mother to be treated." Or your grandmother; or your son; or your sibling; or whatever. How about we stop justifying our love for our patients by saying, "I just think, what if you were my (insert relative here)"? I mean, what is with this American culture of ours that we can't be kind without reason, that we can't show courtesy without receprocation, that we can't love without classifying it first? How about we treat patients with love, courtesy, and respect because they are our patients? Because they, too, are humans. And how about we take this idea and utilize it in every aspect of our lives, not just at work

Hey! You! Yeah, you! Hi. It's been a while. It's been a long while. You know why? I've been working and going to school and taking call and generally spending all my free time sleeping and/or catching up on house work (which is actually kind of a new thing for me, if you rememeber). So, I haven't updated. But, here I am! Updating. You're welcome. Or, I am, I am anyway. My doc upped me to sixty mg/day and gave me a script for Valium. I know. Terrifying. I've had it now for six weeks and I am doing surprisingly well on a daily basis, although some days I am much more depressed than I would like to be, it's probably not as bad as it would be without the drug. I started out taking the Valium a few times a week, but about three weeks in I just stopped needing it. I took a little last night (about 2.5 mgs) because I had a big exam that consisted of three parts. I aced it across the board. I probably didn't need the drugs at all. I gues

So...met my psychiatrist today. He wasn't Doctor Melfi, but he was nice. A little arrogant. Hey, what psychiatrist isn't? Seriously, I think arrogance 101 is part of their residency training. Anyway, he's nice and confident and his office has a very, very nice view. Plus, I'll probably see him fifteen minutes once every month/six weeks. So, yeah. The only thing that was weird was that he sat at his desk and typed up pretty much everything I said. I'm glad he's taking notes, but what happened to note pads and quiet nods and "mhmm"s and eye contact? He did make some eye contact and he did have to urge me on a few times, but you know, it's hard to think about what I am telling you over the sound of you typing up everything I'm telling you. Maybe he never learned shorthand in medical school. Anyway, it's not a big deal.  What is a big deal is that I went at all. I've basically been in denial for most of my life about my "psych"

Hello one, hello all. It has been a good week. In fact, it's kind of been a good couple of weeks. I was able to raise my microbiology grade up to a 94%, which is good enough for me. I managed to make perfect scores on the last chapter test as well as on the final. Which means an A for me. Which means I am no longer suicidal/homicidal. Okay, I never was, really, but it sure did freak me out. I don't do well with Bs. I'm better than Bs. This is what I tell myself anyway. So, today I am rewarding myself for an admirable effort and am having a mocha from my favorite coffee house. Yes, that's right, I'm drinking coffee again. I stopped because it was expensive and because I thought it was linked to some sort of insomnia issue--mainly not being able to fall asleep for a while after I've laid down. Well, this week I decided to test that out and ended up drinking approximately 1/2 - 1 cup a day and only had an issue the day I drank it after five. So, I thi

For a short week, it's been a long week. Firstly, I have a respiratory thing going, which is just super. I can't really do much about it, so I am rolling with the punches. I've upped my allergy meds, which I had to do in the fall too thanks to this wonderful state. I hate this wonderful state. I am also restocked on Nyquil cough, which I only take at night. It's nice, because it has an added antihistamine and it also nudges me to sleep and keeps me asleep for six hours straight. It's pretty neat stuff. I don't take it frequently, but I did use it a little this winter when the cold would irritate my asthma and I would wake coughing in the middle of the night. Monday night I woke up coughing from allergy irritation, so the Nyquil comes back into my life. And, also, the help with the sleep! That's really the best reason. Secondly, I had a microbiology test yesterday and today I have a pharmacology test. I'm kind of stressing about these courses, which

Wow. Okay, now it HAS been a while. Nearly a month. Clearly I have not died, I am just very busy. And it looks like that isn't going to change any time soon. I have yet to decide if that is a blessing or a curse, but it sure is nice to be getting paid and to be working in health care again. There is this wonderful thing about health care, the thing that truly drives me to want to spend my life in medicine--you can spend your whole day, maybe your whole career doing something that is seemingly meaningless and unimportant in the overall scheme of things, but knowing that something you did or said left the patient feeling comforted and that maybe, when they wake up or head home, they are going to remember that thing or that moment and feel that warmth again, knowing that you have done that for someone or even MIGHT have left that impression makes everything else worth it. And it makes me happy. Like, truly, actually, lastingly happy. I honestly don't know why anyone gets high. Ju

Alright, it's been a while, but I have been busy. Well, mostly. Five days a week at the hospital from 0630 to 1500 and four days a week at school from 1530 to 2200. So, a little busy. Anyway, I haven't had a lot to talk about. I can't really talk about the surgeries I am seeing--and I am seeing quite a few, mostly general--and there isn't a whole lot else going on in my life. I has become evident that I will need a second job. I'm going to have to pay about $2,500 to the school next semester. If I can't find some sort of supplement income via scholarship or grant, I'm going to have to make it myself. So, here's hoping I can find a part time gig that will fit my increasingly cramped schedule. Although, I really can't even begin to start looking because I am still in the orientation period at work, and I don't actually know how long that will last. Someone said something around a month, but nothing has been confirmed. Anyway, it would make it re

Well, I orientated today. That was exciting. Actually, it was the best orientation I've ever been to--and I've been to a lot of them. The people who are in charge of training and information are exceptionally cool, enthusiastic, kind people. So, it was in fact actually very fun. That's new. I found out a lot of really cool things. Like how I will get access to a ridiculous health club and all its benefits for very cheap. And how I can pay off all of my medical bills from the last two years--EMS almost killed me, you guys. Remember that time I went to the ER? Fun stuff!--little by little and deducted from my pay check before taxes. Oh, and how my health benefits start in two weeks. WHAT?! Two weeks. So, not only are all these people crazy nice and super joyful to be working there--and, honestly, they are. Even the ED nurses I came in contact were always kind and (not happy, because ED nurses are rarely "happy") satisfied in their positions or in their place

One giant sigh of relief. That's what today has brought. Well...kinda. I start work tomorrow. Thank the gods, I finally have a start date. I know how much I make and when my first check is coming in. I'm pretty sure I know my schedule, but since the manager told me one thing and then the HR rep told me another, I am going to wait to be absolutely certain on how many hours I'll be getting and which days I'll be getting them. If it is the way the HR rep told me--which, I think it will be, because I think the manager worked it out to get me the most hours and thus her the most use of my time--I will have enough to survive and even save a little. But, I do still have things to pay off, so saving may not happen until I find a second job. I'm looking, but it's hard. It's mornings only and three days a week at that. Who is going to hire someone for those hours? If you know of someone, you know, let me know. Because I haven't figured it out yet. But, at least

Today is a better day. Wednesday, not so much. I'm relearning who my friends are and redrawing the lines. I'm moving tiny steps forward, toward true independence, and as scary as that is, I'm warming up to the idea. People walk this planet talking about how they did this, how they paid for that, how they've gotten through everything on their own. But on this planet, no one is ever completely alone. No one ever does anything completely independently. Maybe you feel like you're alone at the time, but I think a wise person takes a moment to take stock of the people that are there. I know I've been going through a pretty serious depression, and for the most of it I have felt 100% by myself. But that isn't true, and deep down inside somewhere I know it isn't true, and I have tried to remember that. But it's so much easier to just throw a pity party and forget that anybody is around. It's so much easier to feel sorry for yourself. And, frankly, I'm

Hello. How're things? Things kind of suck here. I dunno, maybe I need a new perspective. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon for my second job. Hopefully I will get said job--she called me, about sixteen hours after I submitted the application, so I am thinking she needs some help--and hopefully I will start next week. As for the [BCH] job, I sent in all of my new hire paperwork and they sent out for my background check. As soon as that is done--hopefully sometime this week--we will schedule my physical days and then I'll get to go to orientation or on boarding or whatever it is they're calling it these days. I seriously need it to be sooner rather than later, but I can't rush the system. All I can do is sit here and wait. And maybe badger HR every now and then with phone calls. I'm sure it'll go by quickly. The issue is, will it be quickly enough? My electricity is going to be shut off on the 22nd. That's, what, two weeks? I'm screwe

I really don't have a lot to talk about, but I have all kinds of time, and I figured, you know, I'm kind of on a roll. Filled out all of my new hire paperwork for [BCH] today. Hopefully they will get everything done ASAP so I can start and get some money. Money, oh how badly I need you. Do you ever wish we could just live in a barter system again? I assist the surgeon with removing your appendix, you give me food. Simple. Anyway, I am so very, very, very, ve-he-hery happy that I got this job, and as nice as it will be, I will still have to work a second job to pay for all of the other things in my life. Mostly school and I need to figure out a new transportation system--although, (yay) I can totally walk to work now! So that will save about an ounce of gas a day and get me some exercise. Woohoo. I probably only need another $600 a month, which I could do easily if I could just find a job that would pay me $8 to $10 an hour and let me only work Tue-Thurs. (If I don't wo

This morning at 08:11, I woke to the sound of "I'm Shipping Up to Boston". I woke up to this song because this song is my most awesome ringtone--that I have never grown tired of, in all the years I've been woken up by it. My caller ID read [Big City Hospital] HR. Holy-sweet-freaking-Jesus. Because I just called her yesterday and didn't want to get my hopes up too soon, I tried to calm down--both from the sudden wake-up and also from the excitement rising in my chest--while I hurriedly answered. She apologized for not calling me back yesterday and then proceeded to offer me a job. With good pay. Apparently Fri-Sun 7a-7p. You guys, I am not going to lie, I almost started crying. But I held my shit together long enough to tell her I absolutely would love the job, thankyouthankyouthankyou, you're-the-best-human-ever. And then I called my mom. So, that's it, I got it. I got the job. The job that is a MAJOR stepping stone on the path that is my future. I ge

And the freak out continues. I haven't heard from [Big City Hospital] yet, but it's only been a little over 24-hours. Apparently, though, teach is totally on my side. The way she told me, she emailed the OR sup back and OR sup replied something along the lines of "we'll give her a shot," which means I should be getting a call...right?! Except, I dunno. I mean, I don't think there are a lot of people vying for this job right now, and they have quite a few positions open--or did when I applied--and the manager was out until Tuesday this week and I was one of, if not the first, to interview this week. But, then again, it would be a lot more business-savvy to hire someone who could work all of the hours the shift covers, instead of the make-shift schedule she was musing on during my interview (again, it was really more of a meet and greet with a tour than an interview. And, I didn't even get to see the OR sup at the end of it, so I don't even know what