This morning at 08:11, I woke to the sound of "I'm Shipping Up to Boston". I woke up to this song because this song is my most awesome ringtone--that I have never grown tired of, in all the years I've been woken up by it. My caller ID read [Big City Hospital] HR. Holy-sweet-freaking-Jesus.
Because I just called her yesterday and didn't want to get my hopes up too soon, I tried to calm down--both from the sudden wake-up and also from the excitement rising in my chest--while I hurriedly answered. She apologized for not calling me back yesterday and then proceeded to offer me a job. With good pay. Apparently Fri-Sun 7a-7p. You guys, I am not going to lie, I almost started crying. But I held my shit together long enough to tell her I absolutely would love the job, thankyouthankyouthankyou, you're-the-best-human-ever. And then I called my mom.
So, that's it, I got it. I got the job. The job that is a MAJOR stepping stone on the path that is my future. I get a job there, work as a "surgical services assistant", learn the ORs, the ropes, and the world. Then, when I am all newly certified, I will have allies and friends who will stand up for me when a job comes available, and I will be able to scrub at [BCH]. Awesome. And then, with new references in tow--plus my awesome older ones from EMSA--I will slay the competition in Washington and get a good job there so I can start applied for school. And then, of course, I will get in and get good grades and be amazing. I will do all of this, because I can, because I am good, and because I believe that I can. I have to believe that I can. I mean, how else am I going to do all of this if I can't even believe that I can?!
I know, sudden rush of optimism because I got a job--I am SO bi-polar. But, I think deep down I always knew I had the job. Because, deep down I know I am smart and truly meant for medicine. And, I also truly believe that the time has come for everything and everyone that was standing in my way to fade. Now it is just me and my future. I am the only person who can make it happen and I am the only person standing in the way of making it happen. Now is the time to reconcile those to parts of me and unite them in the cause that is my dream of being a doctor. Because, as much as I worry that I won't get in or I won't make it or I won't be good enough, every day I prove to myself that I AM making it, that I AM good enough, and that I CAN get in. And, most importantly, that I am capable of seeing my faults and adjusting my worldview and my self-perspective and working through my own issues to make myself better, stronger, and more fit to be that bad ass doctor I will one day be. Yeah, I still have a lot of obstacles ahead--hell, I may still get evicted and have to live in my car for a while, but it wouldn't be for long--but every time I come face-to-face with one, I always prove myself stronger than before and able to leap whatever hurdle is thrown my way. Because I am growing up and maturing and coming into my own and realizing that I really am going to get to do everything that I want to do. I just have to do it.
I am going to try to hold on to this feeling. I will probably flag this on Facebook and favorite it somehow. I need to know that I can feel this way, I need to know that I can do anything, that I am going to be okay. Because right now, even though I still have a lot on my plate, I am pretty sure I can and I am pretty stupid to have ever doubted me. Because I am not stupid. And I am not a pariah. And I am good at whatever I put my mind to. Like, actually. So I need to start having a little more faith. In me, in the universe, in whatever. In everything.
Anyway, I got the job. I held out for the opportunity and now that it is here I am going to do everything in my power to shine and be helpful and make my dreams come true. Because good things do happen, especially if you believe--or if you're a tenacious little bitch that won't take no for an answer. I don't even know the meaning of the word.
So, I've kind of been a bad kid, lately. See, people have been hurting my feelings. Mostly because they have been too involved in "correcting" my social issues and it has really bothered me. Because of these bothered feelings, I went ahead and wrote about what was going on with me and these people. I didn't really say nice things, although I wouldn't ever say they were hateful--as my mother informed me they were--because I wasn't really trying to be one thing or another, just honest. I don't see honesty as inherently unkind as most of the people I know do, although I have been informed that there are nice ways to be honest, but in my experience, honesty usually isn't an act of kindness, or at lease it doesn't seem so at the time of the sharing. Anyway, there probably is a better way, but I am going to be honest here--ha--I don't think I know what the better way is. To me, because it is truthful, it should neither be here nor there as far as kind or unkind goes. It needs to be said, and if it is actually the truth, you should accept it and take it to heart and consider how you feel about it. If it is honesty for the right reasons, it should make you see something you couldn't before and help you to better yourself or better your situation.
See, I have been given a lot of honest critique in the past. And, usually, especially initially, it hurts my feelings. For the most part, I can't differentiate between what is malicious and what are good intentions. I haven't ever been able to, so don't think it's you not being clear enough, I really just don't know how to interpret how you're saying it and reconcile that with how it's making me feel. That's okay. It is what it is, as I have taken to saying. Anyway, I have taken a lot of critique in my life and I have started to learn how to apply that critique to my life and that has helped me determine what is honesty for good and what is bullshit in an honest-skin. I have also started to see what is clearly just people thinking they are doing good, but having absolutely no peg on me--despite thinking they do--and trying to give me advice that really doesn't apply to me. For the most part, I am pretending to be someone who fits into your crowd. If I am myself, I feel like I am too awkward, but if I pretended to be extroverted and funny and cool like you, I don't know where the line is and tend to cross it. Either way, you're alienated and I'm back to feeling like no one gets me and I don't belong. Lately, I've been trying to do my own thing and be who I am and not care how that affects your view of me or how that changes our relationship. Because, thing is, if you really want to be my friend, you'll make an effort to be my friend whether I am behaving one way or the other. I realize that is probably a very idealistic view of people and relationships, because, honestly, if you don't reach out to people they won't reach out to you, which is why most extroverts have a million friends, because they always want to say hello to you--even if they don't like you. But me, I stand back and I get my bearings and people think I don't want to talk to them and so they just don't talk to me. I know that I end up weeding out the flaky friends and finding the true ones because they tend to stick around and talk to me anyway, but it still makes me feel like crap when all of these other people that are probably not very significant in the overall makeup of my world, decide one day that I am too "antisocial" and not a good friend. I am a good friend. But, I am done sacrificing my personal feelings just to make some acquaintance happy. I can't do it, it's too draining on me and I am always the one that comes out hurting. So, I'm just going to do me from now on. If I am too awkward or say weird things or am not the person you wanted me to be, sorry, but suck it up. Because this is honestly who I am, and if you can look and me and think something new about yourself to better yourself and make yourself happier, then okay, we can be friends. But if you look at me and it makes you feel bad, then don't take my honesty as a personal insult. Since when does my behavior have anything to do with you? If you don't want to be around me, don't. And I'll try not to take that so personally either. Because, since when does your behavior have anything to do with me?
My point is, I'll redact what I said before, even though it was how I was feeling, because I guess it doesn't come off so nice. Sorry, especially since I clearly haven't made the point yet that honesty is neither kind nor unkind. I hope it's clearer now, how I see things. I hope that can make it easier for people to see who I really am and not project their own ideas onto who they think I am. I just want to be honest and be me and be okay.
I hope that's okay with you.
Actually, I don't hope. It should be okay with everyone that we all have our own ways of thinking and seeing the world. I don't really understand why it isn't okay or why most people disagree, but that's my problem to deal with on my own time. And, if it isn't okay with you, well then you have every right to chose not to read anymore. That's okay, too.
Thanks for reading, you guys. There is so, so much more to come.
Edit: so I just went through and deleted some stuff from a few entries ago that my mother deemed "hateful" even though I didn't see any of it as remotely unkind--it probably says something about me that I really don't see honesty as anything but an emotionless truth, I just don't know what it says. Anyway, I am really upset about this, because I really like what I wrote and how I wrote it. I am still saving what I wrote, but it kind of hurts my feelings that I don't get to keep it up here. Granted, I don't really want to hurt anyone else's feelings BY keeping it up here, but that was never my intention because this is a blog about me and my feelings and if you don't like it you don't have to read it. But then, it's like, I'm trying to be professional here and if someone important wandered over to this little blog, would they want to keep me around if they too see what I said as hateful instead of the intended neutrality I believe honesty comes with? I know my mother is just worried that it will reflect badly and hurt my chances of rocking out whatever job or team I am a part of in the future, but I still really want those thoughts up here. They are my thoughts and I put them up there so people could better understand how I think and what I think about and why. Not because I am trying to be self-gratuitous or because I want people to like me. I write these things down so I can analyze what is going on in my head and so you can understand how my head works. I want people to understand me. Yes, people reading my things and thinking about my things, and making my things popular is cool, but isn't that why every writer does it? Not just because we want to be recognized for what we're thinking and how we articulate that, but because we want to provoke thought and feeling in others? Isn't that the point?
Anyway, I really want to keep those things up because those things are about me and about how I feel and about how I think. I think they help you to understand, which is all I really want--to be understood--but also I think they make you think about you and about your life and help you come to terms with things for yourself, about yourself, and by yourself. I want to promote honesty and integrity and I feel like deleting those posts is pretending I never felt that way or I never wrote those things or I never asked you to understand. I feel like I am lying. I don't like lying.
So, I am keeping them and saving them for me. If there is anyone who wants to read them, I'll let you, because I am not trying to hide anything and I am trying to be completely honest with myself about myself. Which means actually not hiding anything. But, most people, they don't see honesty the way that I do, and because of that I am removing those things I said to protect their feelings--even if I think it isn't really my responsibility to do so. I'm going to do it anyway, because I am sure you can understand how I might see that as the "right thing to do" even if it feels somewhat wrong for me.
Also, I have never said anything on here about comments, but if you have something to say to me and want to, please feel free to comment. The section is open to be a forum for people to share their own thoughts with me. If you want to, you can. If not, you don't have to. I have assumed up until now that those who have wanted to have, and those who haven't haven't. That's fine, but I thought I would throw it in there that I am just as interested in understanding how you feel, how you think, and how your head works. So there you have it.
Again, thanks for reading and sorry if at any time I have offended or hurt feelings. Those were never my intentions, but in the pursuit of honesty, it is bound to happen. I wish the world weren't this way, but then I also wish a lot of silly things. :)
You're Still Good to Me if You're a Bad Kid, Baby
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