Don't Say Words You Don't Mean

Hello.

How're things?

Things kind of suck here. I dunno, maybe I need a new perspective.

I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon for my second job. Hopefully I will get said job--she called me, about sixteen hours after I submitted the application, so I am thinking she needs some help--and hopefully I will start next week.

As for the [BCH] job, I sent in all of my new hire paperwork and they sent out for my background check. As soon as that is done--hopefully sometime this week--we will schedule my physical days and then I'll get to go to orientation or on boarding or whatever it is they're calling it these days. I seriously need it to be sooner rather than later, but I can't rush the system. All I can do is sit here and wait. And maybe badger HR every now and then with phone calls.

I'm sure it'll go by quickly. The issue is, will it be quickly enough?

My electricity is going to be shut off on the 22nd. That's, what, two weeks? I'm screwed.

And, I have to put gas in my car so I can get to all of these places to make all of this money.

Plus, I should probably call my landlord and make sure we're still all on the same page.

Oh yeah, and I have to eat every now and then to, you know, live.

Basically, still freaking out. I don't know what I can do in this short amount of time to get the $100-150 I need to make it until my first pay checks. I can sell my plasma, but I don't know how much that will garner me and if I will be able to do it often enough to make any real profit--by that, I mean, I am going to have to drive to the plasma donation place and if they only give me twenty bucks a week, that probably isn't going to be all that beneficial. The only things I have left to sell is furniture, and honestly, I will part with it. I will part with anything that isn't my iPhone, iPad, or mattress. See, I need those things for things. It would probably be the most beneficial to pawn the iPad, but my life is on that thing and it is in the only computer I own. I can't use my phone for everything, damn near, but not everything. I can use the iPad for the rest. And, yeah, I have computers at school, but I like my iPad. I am overly, materialistically connected to my iPad. My iPad makes me happy. So, I just can't pawn it away. I love it.

If I believed in hell, I'd believe I was probably going there for that paragraph.

But, whatever.

I did file unemployment. However, it's still pending. It would be nice to, you know, have that money, but it's going to take a while--apparently--for them to resolve my seperation from EMSA. So, even though it's there and I've filed, it's completely out of reach for god knows how long.

I just don't know what to do to bridge the gap. I need money and I need it now. What do I do?

For some reason, I have been ridicoulously emotional lately. Everything is making me tear up. Reading, watching Scrubs--SCRUBS--even today in the mock OR I got all sensitive and started to tear up because the preceptor doesn't pay as much attention to me and hardly speaks to me when I practice my skills. I know I am not doing poorly, in fact I feel like I've got most of this in the bag. Usually I can just watch someone do something and replicate it pretty easily after I've seen it. Sometimes I have to practice doing it a few times before I get it, but then it's generally nearly perfect. I learn really quickly and very easily. It's a freaking beautiful gift that I am very grateful for, because I know one day, when the information is coming at me like water from a fire hose, I might struggle and not just be able to fall back on my natural learning ability. But, just because I do well from the get-go doesn't mean I don't want the attention that other students are getting or the praise. And I especially don't want to be left to my own devises, never given advice or suggestions, left to teach myself and possibly even learn it the wrong way. I want it while I've got it, and if you're standing there talking to other students who are just observing and ignoring me, the one doing the skill, well apparently it's going to hurt my feelings.

And I guess that is understandable, but what the fuck with the tears?!

Last week when we did our aseptic technique skills exam, both of my teammates left before I even started my exam and I actually started feeling hurt because I was going to have to clean up my room by myself, especially after I had helped both of them so much. I know they didn't do it on purpose, but it was like they forgot I even existed. Maybe I am starting to feel like I am disappearing. Add to that the really stressful situation with money and my homelife, every goddamn thing is hurting my feelings.

I really just want to stop crying. Can somebody tell me how to stop getting so upset over everything?

I feel like, right now more than anything, I really need some goddamn help and there isn't a soul around.

And, I know, I know, plenty of people have helped me so far and I am so thankful that they have. And, I am not really asking anyone for anything right now. I think, what I really need is someone just to sit down with me and let me cry and listen to all the shit I am dealing with right now. But, there isn't really anyone. And I don't really want to do that anyway.

I need someone to rescue me, I guess. There isn't anyone who can do that. I guess this is all on me.

Maybe that's why I keep welling up--because I don't think I can save my own world.

Wow, okay, super depressing. Time to go. Mostly because I feel like crying again.

Please Speak Well of Me