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I Can't Take It, I Can't Take It Anymore

I feel like I have entered the phase of perpetual freak-out mode. Things aren't that bad yet, I am still eating and I have sent some money to appease my landlord, but that was mostly with the help of a friend, and as far as those options go, I am all out of others. Basically, if I don't get this job at [Big City Hospital] I am seriously screwed. Like, bent over the desk, Great American Challenge screwed. (Kudos to everyone who got that reference. You people are nasty.)
Let's just say, Wednesday morning cannot come fast enough. Of course, then after the interview I will be freaking out about whether or not I impressed and will be checking my phone every five minutes for a missed call or new voice mail or any sign whatsoever that the Powers at Be liked me, really liked me, and are now going to pay me money to do things for them. Please let the pay me money to do things for them!
I do have an interview tomorrow, too, for a home health care service. Dunno how that is going to work out, sinice technically I am an EMT not a CNA, even though I took a CNA course and can easily do all of the CNA things, people tend to really like those certifications. Plus, I think CNA actually comes with a license. People really like those licenses. But, I will do what I can to get on there. And, I have an interview next week over at [Other Big City Hospital], so that's a potential thing. And, anyway, I am going to need a second job to be able to pay for school and the things I need to get paid off, and also probably some sort of new mode of transportation--I really want a motorcycle, but I feel like that probably wouldn't be a wise move considering where I live...however, if I get that job at [BCH] I can totally walk to work...but I can't even think about that right now because I need that extra job money for the extra important things, like rent and school and sutff--so I am still looking everywhere for part time work.
This year is really not going well so far.
I want to blame my problems on many things. I want to say that I should have been smarted and worked harder and stayed at EMSA, but the truth is, even if I had stayed at EMSA, with school the way that it is, it wouldn't have been a permanent solution. Yeah, so I could be working there now and making money, but the options I had there were minimal and probably would have been worn out by now. This is all assuming that I even could have switched swifts, and even if I had, who knows how many days I would've landed a late call, thus wrecking my school attendance and possibly losing my place here or my Pell Grant. The truth is, there is no easy solution. This is why so many people rely on loans and scholarships or have to work multiple jobs. School doesn't make working full time easy. Yes, I would do anything for this job at [BCH], but the truth is, even IT isn't perfect. Yes, the pay is enough to live comfortably on and yes it would put me in the optimal position for an upgrade come graduation, but I will be halling ass every day to get to class on time, and no, they aren't so lenient about it even when you're working at a hospital. So, yes, I want the job, and yes I will do anything to get the job and keep the job and kick ass at the job, but I worry that school will slip, and I can't let that happen either. How far am I willing to go to maintain a lifestyle? And how long will I have with that lifestyle before my grades suffer? The truth is: I'm fucking smart, and I can maintain an excellent GPA working inhumane hours, I have done that before. But was I happy? I don't know. And, I've never taken on this many hours while working full time, so I have to wonder, am I a one-course pony? I tell myself that I haven't even STARTED to apply myself to school and work, that I haven't even grazed the surface, and maybe I am right. But, I can't help but doubt my performance, when, honestly, I haven't been all that reliable in the past. Can I pull the right attitude out of my ass and get what must be done, done? God, I hope so.
So, yeah, I'm freaking out. About money, about work, about what people think. But, mostly, I'm freaking out because I'm not so sure I'm the person I was sure I am. Maybe I'm somebody else?
Somebody who sucks.

Holy shit.
What if I suck?

Ugh. That's really going to put a damper on the whole "exceptional" thing I had planned.

Doesn't Help Anyone, Doesn't Do Any Good, But You'd Do Something Else if You Only Could.

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