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You Are Your Own Worst Enemy

Went for my second interview this morning at [Big City Hospital]. I got to tour the ORs, which was kind of unexpected but also completely awesome. It's a 30-something OR floor and it looks like it was built yesterday. Even the locker rooms are gorgeous. Needless to say, I'd love to work there. I think any and every experience there would really prepare me for whatever comes next.
It's a large hospital with a lot of staff. They tried to get me into a surgery today, but every room was in use and full to the brim with students, orientees, residents, what-have-you. Pretty much everyone who could do anything was doing it today. That's alright. The girl who gave me the tour told me I could call any time to observe, so I will probably be doing that soon.
As for the job? I don't actually know. I was told second interview pretty much means you got it, and it wasn't much of an interview--more like a meet and greet with a tour, like I'd already been hired. However, the original shift I applied for would work...until I went to clinicals. This is the issue I have had with pretty much everything, and suffice it to say, I was devastated. So, she offered me a weekend shift, to which I replied I would be willing to do anything--ANYTHING--to keep get this job and keep it. I won't quit school, but I will do anything else. So, she told me she thinks the 7-1900 shift on the weekend would be the best, but that shift is on Sat-Mon, not Fri-Sun, so I would have to cut out four hours early every Monday. Okay, well, if you'll let me do that, I WILL DO ANYTHING. But, apparently it isn't up to me. See, my instructor works at [BCH] as a circulator and sometimes scrub on the weekend shift. And since she would be both my instructor and my supervisor, the OR manager is leaving the decision up to her. If she supports me and thinks I am a good student and hard worker and can make it work, I will get the job. So, I should have it in the bag, right? Except I honestly don't know what my instructor thinks of me. She knows I want this job badly, that I would work my ass off to do whatever needed to be done, or at least I have told her as much. But does she really think highly of me? Does she think I am good at what I do?
I know I am good at what I do. Hell, if you ask me, I am damn good at what I do and will strive to ALWAYS be damn good. But, she hasn't really seen me in action. When we're in our labs, she is mostly focused on the others around me, she rarely says much to me although she is kind and polite...I'm not sure she is seeing me at my best. I definitely don't think I've come close to my best at this school yet, I don't think I have had the opportunity, though I believe it is coming. But, will it come in time? Or is she looking and paying attention and likes me and believes in me and I just can't read that in her face and her actions? I would usually say it's the latter, that I am not sure how she feels because I can't really tell on any body on any given day, but I do feel like I haven't had the opportunity to truly kick ass yet. I do think it's coming, but I don't know when and I don't know if I will even see it when it is there. Yesterday in lab, our preceptor was helping the other two in my group out, talking them through the process, telling them when they did well, telling them if they would have passed the exam based on that performance. When I went, she was silent the whole time and at the end said "good job" all unenthusiastically. What does that mean?
Anyway, I guess it really comes down to this: do I think my instructor would consciously deny me employment? She knows I want the job and she knows I am smart and capable...I hope. Would she actually stand in my way? I don't know that I can honestly believe that she would--she doesn't seem the type to do anything like that at all, especially after last week I was able to sit with her and ask her interview advice and that I've been able to talk to her about pretty much everything since class started--but I also can't stop myself from thinking that I fucked up or failed or am so beyond screwed that I won't be able to get out of this one. But surely that's just my head talking.
It's this day...today I am freaking out. Today I am having a hard time. Today I am not doing well.
God, I hope tomorrow is better. I hope tomorrow my psyche doesn't suck so much.
Anyway, what happened to optimism?

You'll Never When the Fight

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