Happy Pills

Hello one, hello all.

It has been a good week. In fact, it's kind of been a good couple of weeks.

I was able to raise my microbiology grade up to a 94%, which is good enough for me. I managed to make perfect scores on the last chapter test as well as on the final. Which means an A for me. Which means I am no longer suicidal/homicidal. Okay, I never was, really, but it sure did freak me out. I don't do well with Bs. I'm better than Bs. This is what I tell myself anyway.

So, today I am rewarding myself for an admirable effort and am having a mocha from my favorite coffee house. Yes, that's right, I'm drinking coffee again. I stopped because it was expensive and because I thought it was linked to some sort of insomnia issue--mainly not being able to fall asleep for a while after I've laid down. Well, this week I decided to test that out and ended up drinking approximately 1/2 - 1 cup a day and only had an issue the day I drank it after five. So, I think one cup a day before three is a good plan on work days. Weekends, fuck it, whenever, I don't care. That's what weekends are for. 

So, big news. Big, kind of personal news, but since this is a blog about those kinds of things and also about honesty, I am going to share it. I think if I can talk about something I am dealing with and get yet another voice out there speaking about these issues, that is never a bad thing, so here I go. Today I made my first ever appointment for a psychiatric evaluation. I know, scary big phrase that everyone immediately links to something negative. Even my social worker--that's what she is, I found out today, a social worker who does therapy--she felt the need to talk down the negativity and remind me this isn't a psychiatric disorder and I am not mentally ill. Per se, I think, because most people would consider anxiety a disorder. I mean, they call it a disorder. And, it's bad enough to do what it's doing to me, it's probably along the disorder line. But, a totally manageable one. Man, do I not want to sound crazy right now.

Anyway, over the last few weeks, as I have delved deeper into this Asperger's thing, I have started to pick apart my little idiosyncrasies, trying to determine where and why I developed them. Figure out what's nature and what's nurture. Try and see what can be explained by known facts and what I still can't quite define. And, it has been very eye opening. I have quite a lot of ritualistic behavior that is in the nature of "checking". I check things over and over to make sure they are how they are meant to be. I do not trust that they just are. I also have some issues with things like water. I don't trust the water in my house is clean. I don't trust that when I use it to clean a dish, that the dish is clean. I don't even trust that the dish that has been sitting in the shelf is clean, because how do I know that it's clean in the cabinet?! It's shit like this that lets me know I was probably a little in denial about the whole Anxiety Disorder thing. I mean, I always knew I had extra anxiety, but I never thought I would seriously consider a drug or psychiatry. I still have a lot of hold-ups about it, most of them very irrational fears (man I am so anxious), but every day I open up more and more to curing my ails. Or improving myself. Bettering myself? I really hate all of the terminology that references this sort of thing. I want to do better in my daily life, but I do not believe I need to change myself. Maybe my behaviors, a few of them; maybe lighten the load on my brain and take away some of the fear. But, I really want to stress that I am not changing who I am. I just...I want my life to be together. I want to have all of my ducks in a row and look and feel and act like an adult with her shit together. I want to be that person that everyone is envious of because she's just so damn good at BEING. That's what I want to be. So, drugs, or A drug--a low dose one, a very low dose one--could potentially help me mellow out and get there. Or, you know, could not, but I won't know until I try.

You see, it's big. And it's scary. And it's terrifying to share on the Internet because then it's out there and it's kind of real. And people can judge and comment and conclude. I just hope they see that I am not a lost cause. That I am doing better. That one day I may actually be doing well. And that they realize that they, too, are in the same boat as me--we all are. So, you know, get off your high horse and join me down here in the mud. It's better down here in the mud, we have Michael Palin.

(That was a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You should get that, but if you don't, that's fine...you just can't be my friend anymore.)

So, today I worked and saw the LCSW and now I am rewarding myself for my excellent micro come back. And that's it. That's all I am doing. Maybe later, toward evening, I will get out of the house and go for a walk. I really need to do that more. Especially since dawn is breaking earlier--it's June!--I can probably get out a few times a week before work. I should really try to commit to that, but gods I suck at commitment. Remember when I tried to give up coffee? Yeah, good one.

No, but seriously. I should try harder. And, hopefully, removing a little bit of the anxiety from my head will help with that. Appointment is Wednesday, so I will probably let you know how it went. Although probably not Wednesday. Because I can hardly commit to anything, let alone updating this blog in a timely and intelligent manner. (You know, when I started this I thought it was going to be a profound commentary on the aspects of working in and studying modern medicine. Clearly, I was wrong. Nothing profound here, folks. Might as well go home.) But, I'll work on that. I'm working on that.

I'm working on all of that.

Happy weekend!

Gotta Get You Out of My Head--Get Out