What if I Wanna Be the One Who You'll Never Understand

Hey! You!

Yeah, you!

Hi.

It's been a while.

It's been a long while.

You know why?

I've been working and going to school and taking call and generally spending all my free time sleeping and/or catching up on house work (which is actually kind of a new thing for me, if you rememeber).

So, I haven't updated.

But, here I am! Updating.

You're welcome.

Or, I am, I am anyway.

My doc upped me to sixty mg/day and gave me a script for Valium. I know. Terrifying. I've had it now for six weeks and I am doing surprisingly well on a daily basis, although some days I am much more depressed than I would like to be, it's probably not as bad as it would be without the drug. I started out taking the Valium a few times a week, but about three weeks in I just stopped needing it. I took a little last night (about 2.5 mgs) because I had a big exam that consisted of three parts. I aced it across the board. I probably didn't need the drugs at all. I guess I am not turning into Nurse Jackie afterall. (Yes, of course I was afraid of that happening, I am crazy.)

Anyway, I feel good today. I feel good most days. Exhausted and ready to be on to the next education thing and actually working as a scrub. But good. I am getting down to the bottom of a lot of things that have ailed me since I was a kid. I think I am finally getting a handle on shit, seven years later. Growing up is hard to do.

So, I am on a dating website but super uninvolved. I'm hardly serious about it at all. I know that at my age I SHOULD, according to the world, be looking for a life partner and deciding if I want kids and generally being a good woman; but, I just can't. I can't do anything other than what I am doing. Every ounce of my energy is going to myself, my career, and my livelihood. I don't have a lot of energy to spare and I really don't want to waste it on someone I don't already love.

So, yeah, I'd like to be in love and I'd like to find a boyfriend, sure. But, how much would it suck to be my boyfriend? It would suck. I work eighteen hour days and it is only going to get worse. I take call on the weekends and I take any extra shift I can. I spend most of my free time trying to figure out how to learn something new. My entire life, 24/7 is surgery. If you had told me a year ago that this would be my life, I would have laughed and told you that it would never happen for me. But, here it is, happening. So, I am going to make it happen. And I don't want to subject another human to that shit. It wouldn't be fair. It's hard enough to be my friend. I don't call, I don't write. We go weeks without speaking. You don't know how I am and I don't keep you up to date. I never ask you how you are. Everything I have is going toward this one thing and I have left a lot of shit behind me to reach out far enough to grab it. I'm going to go all of the way. I have to go all of the way. I will not be satisfied with anything less. Because I know I am worth the best. I am the best. I have the potential to be exceptional. My hands can do amazing things and my mind is my super power. I want to save the world. Or, at least, as many human lives as I can while I am alive. I want to leave this damn Earth much better than when I came into it. So, I'm not seriously looking for anyone and now seriously interested in a serious relationship. I am absolutely leaving Tulsa and I am absolutely spending the next ten to fifteen years becoming a doctor. I'm not the kind of girl you settle down with. I'm not settled.

But, I should get to have fun.

So, there is a guy that wants to see me tonight. We were supposed to see each other last night and he was very flakey about the whole thing until I eventually put my phone on Do Not Disturb and tried to sleep. I didn't, hardly, at all. I don't have the most important job in the hospital, but it still requires that I have some rest the night before. I mean, these are human lives, people!

So, he wants to see me tonight. But I don't want to see him. I lay in bed and I think, god! how nice would it be to have someone sharing this bed with me? But, then, when the opportunity comes around.... I was in the mood last night and gave him a full invitation and he flaked it up. And tonight, all I want to do is curl up with myself and sleep.

Which is fine.

Because I am learning to like myself and be with myself. I have to. I have to learn to like myself because this hating myself thing is getting really old and a little suicidal, and I am not going to give up any time soon so I need to turn those feelings around. I just want to be with me. Tonight; tomorrow. I work Saturday and Sunday, so tomorrow is my weekend. I don't want to waste it on some guy I hardly know who wants a little sex and connection. Is it awful that I would rather have a connection with me? What kind of woman does this make me? And why do I still care so much what he thinks and if he'll still like me? I hardly know him and I certainly shouldn't care if he likes me or not, especially if I have decided I don't care if I like him. I just want to please everyone. I just want every one to be a fan of me.

Anyway, he's texted me twice today. I will answer back, eventually, but not yet. I am not ready yet. So I am going to wait until I know what to say. I'm exhausted, but I am doing this to myself voluntarily. That doesn't mean any one else needs to join me. Or that I want anyone else to subject themselves to me. 

I just want to be a really awesome doctor. I know it sounds silly, since my MD is so many years away, but becoming THAT doctor starts now. It starts with who I am today. Prozac and OCD and Aspergers and depression and Valium and IBS and music and science and laughter and meanness and compassion and cynicism and pessimesism and generosity and skepticism and everything that contributes to me being me. I gotta start with me. Not with you, or with my mom, or with my friends, or with anyone else who could encourage me or validate me or support me. I need to be my own jumping off point. I need to stand on these two feet first.

And I need to write more, but all I can do is promise to try. Because the next three months...hell, my friend, they will be.

It's just preperation for residency.

This is what I keep telling myself.

Dress rehearsal.

So, I don't know what to do or what to say. All I know is I am not in the mood tonight, and that is okay, but that means I might lose this possiblility for connection. But, then again, I'll probably get a million of those in my lifetime. And I should chose wisely the opportunities I take. I may hardly speak to them, but my true friends love me. I already have a handful of soul mates. I think right now I can be happy with that.

But, then, maybe I should throw caution to the wind and just have fun.

As if I know how to.

Do You Think You'd Ever Want to Still Try and Hold My Hand?