Wow. Okay, now it HAS been a while. Nearly a month. Clearly I have not died, I am just very busy. And it looks like that isn't going to change any time soon. I have yet to decide if that is a blessing or a curse, but it sure is nice to be getting paid and to be working in health care again. There is this wonderful thing about health care, the thing that truly drives me to want to spend my life in medicine--you can spend your whole day, maybe your whole career doing something that is seemingly meaningless and unimportant in the overall scheme of things, but knowing that something you did or said left the patient feeling comforted and that maybe, when they wake up or head home, they are going to remember that thing or that moment and feel that warmth again, knowing that you have done that for someone or even MIGHT have left that impression makes everything else worth it. And it makes me happy. Like, truly, actually, lastingly happy. I honestly don't know why anyone gets high. Just do something good. That's all the high you really need.
Anyway, enough sappiness.
I've made a discovery about myself recently and I have debated whether or not I should post it on here. See, the thing is, it's something that most people don't understand and some of them don't want to. It's something that could change the way everyone I know looks and me and even cause me to lose some relationships or alienate some people. Not necessarily because I have told everyone or because of something specific I have done. Simply because for some people, it will be hard to understand and they don't have to or want to, and that's okay. I'm not ever going to walk around the hospital and tell everyone I will ever meet, and I am not posting anything about it on Facebook or Twitter or whathaveyou. I am not advertising it at all unless I feel like you NEED to know or I truly WANT you to know. And, that's the thing, this is MY journal, it's about MY journey, and quiet frankly as I go along this road of self-discovery and understand, I need an outlet and this is the only kind of writing I've ever kept up with or returned to. I guess I feel like you handful of people hold me accountable. Not only to updating and keeping the place nice, but to maintaining a level of honesty and personal growth in my writing. So, really, this is the place to do it if I am going to be public about it at all. I know people who read every entry and I know people who don't even know I have this page. I know people read this whom I have never met, nor will ever meet, and I know potential friends and maybe even employers might stumble upon it and take it in. And, I'm not really secretive about it, but the fact is, I could post a link to this blog everywhere and might not see a growth in readership or be affected in my personal and professional life by anyone who follows the link. I figure, if you want to be here reading this, you want to know what I am thinking. I am only here because I want to talk about what I am thinking in a way that I am comfortable with. So, I am going to say it here, because this is where it feels right to say it. Make of it what you will, but it does not change anything about me nor will it. There should be no stigma surrounding it in your mind and there should also be no judgement. Because--and I will mention this again--this is about my journey to discovering who I am and not about you or your opinions (though I am open to hearing them and you are more than welcome to share). It isn't a secret, it just is, so this isn't a big deal. In fact, I don't know why I am saying so much about how it isn't a big deal. I guess because part of me is still expecting people to take it one way or make of it another. Well, don't, people. Don't do that.
Anyway, what I am talking about is this:
I believe, and yes I have done the research and even taken a few evaluations albeit all online, that I am on the spectrum. Specifically, Asperger's.
A few years ago I started to entertain the idea--based off of something I saw on television, of course--but didn't really think too much of it until this year. Maybe because it was overwhelming, maybe because I just honestly thought I couldn't be, I don't know. What I know is this: a friend posted on her Facebook page a while back an article on new evidence coming out supporting Asperger's in women and detailing how young girls might go undiagnosed until they reach adulthood. Esentially, we're excellent immitators. We are very perceptive of what is required of us in early social situations and fake it until we make it, basically. But, ususally when we get older, it's harder for us to do that or social cues and behaviors become more complex and harder to understand, interperate, and mimick. I know I had some odd behaviors when I was a kid. Behaviors that kept me from leaving my room somedays and that stopped be dead when entering stores the next. I have never felt like I fit in to any social construct and have always felt as if I was constantly immitating something or someone--usually things I have seen on TV. But, I was uneducated on the matter, and as I have grown older I have only felt weirder.
The higher up I go in school and in the work place, the more out of place I feel. I feel like, in order for people to like me or get me, I have to exaggerate my personality and come off as this boistrous, uncaring, unflintching gunner. Certainly I have aspects of those traits in my personality, but what I was showing to the world was much more than I intended and often left me feeling even more out of place. It didn't help that it seemed people would eventually grow tired of the loud, "interesting" version of me and I would be left not really knowing where I'd gone wrong or how I needed to change me to fit better. I've felt wrong all of my life and it has made me very unhappy and lonely. I was exhausted, trying to do all of the things I thought were right to keep people on my side, all the while I continued to alienate them more and lose sight of what was really important to me in a friend and confidant.
So, I read this article and it got me thinking. And then, once again, I put the idea on the backburner. This time, it was overwhelming. It was terrifying. So I shelved it because I couldn't deal with it and accept it. Part of that was truly believing that no one else would accept it either, and can you imagine the energy I would have to invest into proving it? It was too much.
But, then I thought about it again a few months later, and this time I actually took it in and tried to understand. I did the research and looked hard at myself. I cried and I was very bothered for a while. Now, though, I am not bothered. I am relieved. I am heaving a sigh and breathing out all those negative things about me and all those feelings of wrongness. It's time to breathe naturally and figure out who the hell "Me" is.
You see, I've spent my life immitating and pretending and trying out every personality to see which fit better for whatever group I wanted to fit into. None of those things were me, even though all of them have been me. I want to reach inside and find out who is actually working this machine and bring her up for air. Which means I am going to have to stop trying to please everyone to make them like me. I am going to have to catch myself when I am doing something that feels fake. And I am going to have to learn a balace, I am going to have to know when to be politely false in my actions and when to be 100% honest with how I present myself. It sucks, but sometimes it's not okay to be bored when someone is speaking about nothing that interests me at all and sometimes it is. Neurotypical people just get that it's sociall acceptable to pretend to care about your kids, unfortunately I don't. And I mean, shit, I can't come off as completely antisocial. The truth is, as much as I want to just hang out by myself and be with the crowd when I am comfortable (which is sometimes, but not that many sometimes), I have to network and impress and be professional with my corworkers. So, I guess I am going to have to work on that.
It's going to be a long journey that is probably never going to end.
I am in therapy now, although it is only twice a month and it is just with a counsellor. I just want to work on finding myself and getting comfortable in the skin I was born with. I won't go on meds, because I don't believe I need them and I absolutely dispise anything that messes with my chemistry--this includes drugs and even alcohol after a certain point. I think I am a stable, rational enough person to figure this out on my own. I'm already happier with who I am and with how I act, just knowing that I am not inherintly wrong but instead functionally different. That's okay. I also am not worried about a formal diagnosis right now. That will probably come later if it comes at all. They are hard to come by and Asperger's is about to be taking out of the DSM and changed to simply Autism Spectrum Disorder. One of many. The truth is, it doesn't matter if I get a diagnosis, because I am still going to be who I am. I don't care if people believe me and I don't need to show proof to anyone, even employers. It doesn't stop me from being intensly intelligent and highly capable of anything. All it does is put a lable on something most people won't understand anyway. And, they don't have to. The only person that has to understand me is me. So that's what I am working on.
This is who I am, and someday I am going to be okay with that. Happy, even.
So, that's where I am today.
Let Me See What Spring is Like On Jupiter and Mars
Comments
Post a Comment