Dead is Dead

We get a lot of deaths around this time of day. People wake up and realize that their loved ones who were "fine" yesterday have died sometime during the night. And there is absolutely nothing anyone can do. I'd like to make some grand metaphor out of this, but I don't know how.

People die. They are sick and they die. They get hurt and they die. Signal 48; signal 30. Non-traumatic; traumatic. Natural; unnatural. Most people, it seems, go to bed and, in their sleep, they die.

I had a weird dream last night (worst segway ever!) It was essentially about waiting around for something to happen, but the waiting was INTENSE. Very on-the-edge-of-your-seat. And then the earth stopped spinning. And then I went to bed. Seriously, the earth stopped spinning and me, I just go to bed.

Throughout the dream I had been talking to a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. In fact, I'd say we're probably not friends anymore. Anyway, we were speaking again, but not in an overtly nice way, just a necessary way. He was waiting with me, you see, for this thing to happen. And we had to wait. We had to wait because we were charged with a mission. A mission in which we wait, I guess. Boring mission, but again, INTENSE.

So, while waiting we realized a lot of time had passed but the sun was still shining and NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. Nothing. We sat there for hours. Until 4am. That's what the clock read, but the sun was still shining? So, I asked my boss if the earth had stopped spinning and he was all like, "yeah, sometime this afternoon. Where we're you, stupid?" Uh, waiting apparently.

So, no sunset, but apparently we still had gravity. Anyway, I invite this guy to stay at my place, you know, since it was four in the morning. Nothing raunchy or interesting happened. We literally went to sleep. In the dream. And then, I woke up in the dream and woke him up and he hugged me and asked to move in. Which was weird, since we technically aren't friend's anymore and I hate roomies.

The thing is, I've kind of had a thing for him that was 100% unintentional, but, I guess chemistry is chemistry. And we were kind of something--but kind of not--for a little while. And then he stopped talking to me, as I suppose people are bound to do, and it just sort of left the "thing" dead in the water. I mean dead. Nothing, not an emotion what so ever from his camp about it, no thing.

Depressing, and a little sad.

Which is basically how I've felt about it. I don't actually like leaving things that way; I don't believe any relationship is dead, they just change, sometimes in a negative way. And, sometimes, that negativity strains the relationship and hurts both parties. And, thus, people stop talking. But, it's not like we stopped KNOWING each other. It's not like we don't EXIST. The relationship isn't dead, not really, but we treat it like it is. Maybe because it's easier for us to move on. That whole "denial" thing.

Anyway, I guess that dream brought up a slew of old, rotten, denied feelings. I miss him, but I can't make anything the way it was--as we all learned in my last post--so I guess I will just repress whatever feeling I've got left for the guy and let denial carry me on down steam.

(See what I did there?)

In other, more cancery, news: my friend finally started to lose her hair so she shaved it yesterday. She has a really nice head-shape, and can pull off the look extremely well right now. It's kind of interesting to see how people deal with this kind of crap and how strong they really are. I can't say I would have doubted her strength before this--I knew when she told me that she was a fighter and an optimist and wouldn't let anything beat her down or take her life--but now I can say for certain that she is one of the strong ones. It's going to take a lot more than a little cancer to kill her spirit, and that's incredible to me. She's a bright, brilliant light, even bald and breast-less. Of course, tomorrow is another round of the strong-stuff, and chemo is hard on everyone. But, she'll work through it, and be a better, more beautiful woman for it (plus, she gets fake boobs next year. I mean, score!).

I don't mean to trivialize anything, guys. She is a very strong, goofy woman and she is handling this whole cancer thing better than most of us handle a stubbed toe. So, I'm trying to follow her lead and have a similar attitude about it. I mean, I could go all dark and depressed about it, but who wants to hear me boo-hoo over ANOTHER subject, even a life-threatening-illness subject? I know I don't, and I guarantee she doesn't either. I know, because she told me so.

Also, I'm clearly not mad anymore. She and I were friends for years and then fell out. When we became friends again recently, we never really discussed where we were or what kind of relationship we were suddenly participating in again. So, we had that talk, and now we're better. See, talking helps, people! Talk it out!

Last note: I updated via app on my iPhone, so no HTML. Sorry 'bout that. Just seems so...sloppy. My bad, y'all.

Have a good Memorial Day. I will be working. For me, it's just another Monday.

Manic, even?

Nah.

Somebody That You Used to Know