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Open Heart Surgery

:/

So, I was going to update yesterday when I was at my mom's using her free internet, but I really didn't have the energy. In fact, I haven't had the energy for a while. I DON'T have the energy right now. But, I DO have the internet, so I am doing it anyway.
Watching season one of Scrubs again. What can I say, I needed something goofy in my life.
So, here's an embarrassing topic--I'm kind of a slob. And, because I work more days than I am home and more hours in those days than I have time to do everything I don't want to do ON TOP of those things that I want to do much more, I basically don't clean. It's horrifying. Well, I mean, it's not as bad as MOST of the houses I have been in while working EMS calls, but if I ever needed an ambulance, even if I was dying, I would crawl outside instead of letting them into my shame. It's kind of that bad. And, it's really embarrassing to even be talking about it in a public forum, but, fuck, I pledge to honesty so I might as well tell the truth. I'm a fucking mess. Who would'a guessed? Ha.
Anyway, Bonnie--who is a far better person than I'll ever be--has agreed to help me right the situation. Because, a.) I can't almost die again. It was expensive and painful and, frankly, the consequences of the illness--which involve everything making me nauseated, even hunger--are too much to deal with. So, I need to get all healthy and whole and healed and whatever. And, b.) I really don't enjoy living in a mess. 
You ask yourself, as you read about my disgusting life choices, why does she do this to herself?! Because, I'm fucked up. Didn't we get to that already? I wear it on my sleeve, my fucked-up-ness. Right next to my heart and all my secrets. 
The truth is: I'm overwhelmed. Anyone who has never had to deal with this kind of thing, I don't think you'll get this. It's so overwhelming to walk into your house and see how bad it's gotten, that instead of righting it you just live with it, because anything you do isn't enough and it depresses you so much you basically don't have the energy to fix it. And, anytime you, say, do fix it, it never lasts long enough because, changing your habits is overwhelming too, when you pile them all up and stare them in the face. It's too much to handle, so you just don't handle it. This, people, is how all of our patients came into being. You wonder why they are so fucked up beyond repair and how they could let this happen to themselves...now you know.
Anyway, the only thing for it is just to accept it. To face it and accept it and then do everything you can to make it okay again. So, I called in the heavy artillery--the friends that HAVE to love me. I hope.
Or, you know, pick a friendship you don't mind ruining over a day of bearing all your nasty-ass demons. 
She has to work with me, so the joke's on her. 
:/

Anyway, I will probably lose every friend I have ever had thanks to this little post. Although, if you've seen my car and we're still talking, I doubt my house-mess news will really shock you. Luckily, no one is going to see THAT mess but Bonnie. And Bonnie loves me anyway. Right?
I'm a fucking mess.
And I think I need a shrink....
Anyway, back to staring at the mess and waiting for Bonnie's call. I think the rock in my stomach has grown twelve times larger. I might even cry. Maybe once we're done pouring the bleach on every surface, I'll pour a little down my throat, yeah? 
Fuckin' super.

That Helped...Like a Big Hug with Words :/

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