When Most of Them

Alright, I lied. I'm a liar. So, what else is new?

I was out of work for about a month. And then, all of a sudden, I was working again five days a week. So far: it sucks. For two reasons. One, I was so lazy. So lazy for a MONTH. Waking up late. Hanging out. Reading and watching TV and reading. God, life was easy and cozy and, well, lazy. And now I have to be at work and I have to run around and I have to lift things and carry things and generally be useful. Sucks.

The second reason is that this job has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with health care. Up until I worked my first shift there, that is what I thought I wanted. Remember? Remember when I said I was done with EMS and of course NOT healthcare but I was going to take a break from both and just learn to be a surg tech and get a bunch of money for doing something other than save lives? One day and I missed it. ONE DAY. I am weak. Take me back EMS. TAKE ME BACK.

So, yeah.

My excuse is that I love medicine. I love medicine more than I love most people (this is true). Medicine may very well be the love of my life. Medicine is my SOUL MATE. So, you know, if I decide to take a break and breathe for a minute and fool around with another profession (to make medicine jealous), I can totally come back, realizing my mistake and what I was missing, because medicine understands. Unlike most people (see why I love it more than you, people. You could learn a thing or too from medicine. Learn it!) So, yeah, I'm back. For good this time, I promise. I love you, baby. Baby?

Now I have to find a job that will have me. And, I am not really looking AWAY from jobs in other fields, because I might do fine with those for a what time I have left in surg tech school. Really, I just want a job that isn't the job that I am working now. Because the job I am working now sucks (haven't you been listening?).

The work is tedious and labor-intensive and stupid. Okay, I think it's stupid because it requires very little intelligence or brain power. I guess that doesn't make it stupid, it just makes me feel stupid for doing it. I'm all fucked up on the inside, guys, so don't worry about it.

It is also not going to cut it bills-wise. I am still going to have to work two jobs if I stick with this one, and let me tell you, that would be exhausting. I have done two jobs, I have done three jobs. I have worked long days and gone to classes afterward. I am really not a stranger to these things, but I am also kind of tired of these things. I finally know what I want, that I want it more than I have wanted anything else, and that I can have it. So, anything less than that isn't enough, and anything completely outside of medicine (meaning that I don't see or do new medical things every day; that I don't learn new medical things at work every day; that I don't have any patient contact) isn't even worth the time of day they are paying me to care. I have no fucks to give, non-medical jobs. I don't know how much that pertains to, say, something else that isn't so sucky but is also outside of medicine, like being a barista again (which I am considering), because it sucks less and also TIPS, so I am not generalizing...per se. Anyway, I can't make enough at this job and I don't want to work two of these non-medical jobs just to get by. I made too much money last year to get a pell grant, which means my damn school won't be paid for next semester. Which means that has to come out of my pocket. Which means I need to catch up financially RIGHT NOW so I can start saving. Or, alternatively, I could get a sugar daddy. Options, people.

Anyway, I am looking again in medicine is what I am trying to say. I want a job in medicine, even if it is the most remedial of medical jobs. I want to have patient contact.

And, I am kicking myself for not making EMSA (oh my god, I said the name of my "urban EMS service", but I don't work there anymore so NO FUCKS TO GIVE. Hahaha, they will love that it when that comes up in a google search. Love you EMSA. Save my life if I am dying, please! Thank you for the experience and the money! You gave me so much money!) work out, because I probably could have. But, then I think back to how upset I was about the shit that went down there and that last day I worked (ps, the shoulder is better, but sometimes it still hurts. See? Not a fake injury after all!) I don't think I would have lasted longer than I did, even if I hadn't been hurt. I was so burnt out and so in need of a break. But, now I have had one, and I am missing the truck. But, the truck doesn't miss me. Don't blame it.

So, looking at hospitals and other services in the general area. My car is a POS, so driving long distances might be a little scary, but I think if I get on with a good service that pays well, I can make it work. Somehow. I am also going to apply at Starbucks, like I mentioned, because TIPS and I enjoyed the work when I was there before. Man, I could sling some coffee. Also, I'm a badass barista. Obviously, I am hoping the hospital will call me, like right now, but if I can do something like Starbucks, that will probably work too. Especially because of the TIPS.

...TIPS.

Okay, anyway, on to other things.

Someone from my past texted me this morning and wanted to get back in touch. She lives in another city and has an adult people job, so there is a little bit of envy coursing through my veins (not my arteries, though. Ha). But, it's okay, because I know I am on a good, solid, correct course for myself and eventually I will be a doctor and everything I've done has been worth it for that. I don't regret anything but time. I wish it hadn't taken so much time for me to figure this out. But, thus is life.

Anyway, she was one of my best friends in high school and I loved her like a sister. But, she went to Big University in Oklahoma and I went to Smaller University in Chicago. And we kind of fell off. Naturally.

I did see her two years ago after I got my EMT but while I was still waiting around for EMSA to hire me (yes, you EMSA. You). That was weird. Because, me, I am always your friend and I always love you if I loved you once--unless you actually do something to purposefully hurt my feelings or break my heart. Then I am sad about it for a long time but deep down I still love you, so I can probably forgive you but we can probably never be friends again. So, when I saw her last I was all happy to see her and she was all, "I need to buy this thing, don'thugme, take my money". That's kind of her style, though. Needless to say (I'm saying it), I was a little surprised she texted me, let alone still had my number. I dunno if I gave it to her that time I saw her or if she just never clears out her contacts. I usually delete people if I haven't spoken to them in a while. Like, you know, seven years. Well, okay, I spoke to her in 2010, but I mean like we haven't been close since 2006. I'm happy about it, though. It's good to have friends, especially in other cities, because it's an excuse to visit and they know all the good restaurants and parks. I like parks.

I do wish I was more impressive, though, even in text message. It'd be nice to actually have something to show for these past seven years, as opposed to just, like, emotional growth. Ah well.

Well, that's all there is. School is going well. Still earning a nice, pretty A but I am starting to see it trend down so it's time to start studying more. Titrate that shit, you know.

I just want to give a huge shout out to parentheses and all their functions for making this post possible. Love you guys!

Also: Kate Nash has a new album. Happy about that.

I Can Barely Keep Up With Them