So, here's the thing that's been bothering me the most, the thing that I can't get out of my head: that dream I had when I was six-years-old? It's actually come true. My very first "when-I-grow-up" dream I had as a little girl writing little short stories in my first grade class, is happening. Twenty-two years later, and that very first thing I ever want to be, I am. I can't get over it.
When I was six, I wanted my name on a book. I wanted to write a novel and publish it in hardback and see my name across the front and know I made this. This last year, I wrote that book. Finally, after a decade of debating whether I even had the merit to be a true writer, I wrote that book.
Something Carrie Bradshaw said in an episode of Sex and the City--that I can't at this time properly reference for you, because it's been half a decade since I watched the show last--has stuck with me all of these years, has gnawed at the back of my mind, a reminder that maybe this is possible. She said--and I am probably very much paraphrasing, so forgive--she said: I wanted to become a writer, so I made it happen.
I didn't understand, I think, for years, that "making it happen" was something that could actually be done. In fact, if you had asked me this time last year, I would have said, "yeah, I have some ideas, but they probably aren't going to come to fruition." Last year, I would have been wrong.
I wrote a book. A legitimate novel. A 75-thousand-word book I'm calling The Skeleton Friend, for obvious reasons--or maybe not so obvious, but if you know me it is. I sat down over the summer and fall and I hashed out a book. And not only did I finish it, but I'm going to publish it. Yes, I'm going to be doing the work of the agent and publisher on my own. Yes, it's going to be available through Amazon Kindle as an e-book, so maybe that makes it less legitimate. But, I am going to be publishing it in hardback, too, because that was the dream, wasn't it? And, I feel like, I need to take control of my career. I need to work harder for myself than I ever have or anyone ever would. I can make it happen. I'm a writer. Finally, officially, truly. I am a writer.
And, I can't get over it. Which is both bothersome and elating. The high I am feeling right now after finishing something that seems so daunting all these years, I don't have the vocabulary to describe it--and I have a good vocabulary. I know the word abattoir.
I think that, maybe, the most unbelievable thing to me is that people are incredibly supportive and actually seem to really like the book! I have gotten a lot of wonderful feedback from everyone between my test readers that haven't read a book in a while to my BETA reader than reads for a living. And, I'm astonished. All this time, truly, I didn't think I had a voice for this. Maybe all of this time, I was just lying to myself. And, now, all these years later, I am going to make it happen.
Now that I have book one under my belt--though, I am still nervous about book two--I feel like I have a formula down enough to start on a second book. I feel like I made it over the hill and now it's going to be that much easier. Still difficult at times, yes, but I know I can do it now. That feeling alone...I am fucking thrilled.
So, I wrote a book. The Skeleton Friend is going to be out on February 2, 2016. You can get it on Kindle, and hopefully I will have the hardback available on that day as well--don't hold me to anything! This is my first time!
In the meantime, I wrote a short story called Unidentified that you can download right now at Amazon.com.
I had no idea I was going to do this--any of this. I promise as it goes on, I will get better at comprehensive blog posts and speaking my mind in this public forum. I hope that this is the start of something very big for me--I truly feel like it is. It may take a lot of work and a lot of time and a lot of soul to do it, but I am going to make it happen. That dream I had when I was six--just six--I am going to make it happen.
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