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I Feel It All; I Feel It All

Alright, fine. I'll update.
I am supposed to be studying. But, then, you know, who cares?
No surgery for me today. The hospital I am at this week had an extremely light schedule, so I took the opportunity to have a day off from working two jobs (and getting paid for one) and am letting my legs rest while working out my brain.
By working out, I mean taking it for a slow jog. It's not really intense.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you guys something: I think I am happy. Like, actually.
Happy with who I am; happy with where I am in my life; happy with where I am headed and the speed at which I am getting there. I feel like I've settled into the comfortable zone of mid-twenty-something with opportunity and options and all the ability in the world. I am confident and sure. I have a clear path that I am wandering down, and though it isn't necessarily straight or lit up or always crystal, it's laid out in front of me and feel at peace. I'm, like, happy. All whole and healed or whatever.
It's weird.
I danced around my house Saturday night for an hour in my underwear and I would have kept going if I hadn't decided it was time for bed. In fact, I am still dancing. I am dancing in the car, dancing in the OR, dancing at this very desk I am sitting at while taking these silly little quizzes and listening to Pandora. I am singing random snippets of songs and making them up while walking patients to recovery and cleaning ORs at night. I am basically jumping for joy.
I kind of disgust myself.
I definitely know that I wouldn't be here without the Prozac, but I still really hate the idea that a drug did this. I want to give all of the credit to the drug, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable even though I DON'T feel like I have done anything to achieve this happiness and that drug, in fact, is MEANT for achieving happiness. I don't know; I don't know how to explain it. I feel like the drug did all the work and if I am going to be reliant on Prozac for the rest of my life if I want to continue to feel this way. (Which, to be fair, I am on it because of OCD, not because of clinical depression, although I have some of that too. So, I probably will always be on it or some lower dose of it, because the OCD, you guys, it's bad.) But, the truth is that the major reasons I am feeling happy, other than the drug reestablishing proper exchange in my brain, is that I finally feel like I am going somewhere with my life. And, I don't think the drug did that. I think growing up did. Yes, the drug helped, but so did spending the last seven years--in particular, this year--struggling and fighting and getting angry and getting ready. I had to learn to be this way, and it's taken me a long time. And I am still learning. But I feel like I've got this now. I feel like the stars are aligned or something. I feel like I can do anything, and probably will, because why the hell not?
I'm gonna be a doctor, you guys.
I am going to get into UW.
I am going to work as a scrub and spend my days learning about surgery and anesthesia and all the things I love.
I am going to be exceptional.
Just like I always told myself I would, but never believe it until right now. Right here. As I am.
That's pretty cool.
Anyway, I should go back to studying or something.
Tomorrow I FINALLY get internets at my house. Now I might actually TRY to update more often. Although, you know, don't count on it THAT often, because I am still working sixteen hour days and whatnot.
Peace.

I Know More Than I Knew Before

Comments

  1. AnonymousThursday, 10 October, 2013

    Awwww. I'm love that you're happy, and I loved spending time with happy Rachel this last weekend. I always love being around you but it was extra special being around Happy you. =) I love you! You're one of my favorite people and at the very top of that list! I'm proud of you. <3

    ReplyDelete

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