Skip to main content

I Don't Believe in Anything But Myself

I think my body tried to kill me.
I mean, seriously, what happens when you are overworked and under-slept and that sinus problem you can't shake is getting worse but you don't think you have anymore chances to call-in at work? Your body tries to kill you. And it hurts. And it's messy--which is really a lot worse than the hurts part. I mean, ouch is ouch, but there are some things you never want to experience or you might have to kill yourself. Yeah, my body tried to kill me.
But, I am not going to kill myself, because I didn't let it get that bad. I drew the line at "ambulance", even though deep, deep down inside I wanted one. I wanted to call 911. But, then, I AM 911, so the whole idea was a little humiliating.
Instead, Bonnie drove me in her personal vehicle to the ED at St. John and I proceeded to save my own life, since my body had turned on me. Apparently, I am overworked and under-slept and what I really needed was not a new antibiotic or a bag of saline--although I happily took both--it was a day of fucking rest. No, let's make that two. 
Well, actually, I am making it five, but I have class and a team meeting I have to attend on my scheduled days off, so really, two and a half-ish. And I spent the entire time laying in bed, trying to drink plenty of fluids, and watching the first three seasons of Sex and the City, which only served to remind me a.) how much fun sex is and b.) that I am completely unfabulous. Oh, also that I should drink more. 
And, anyway, I do feel better, but I think I'd like another few days in bed. 
Except that after two and a half days, I am tired of being tired. So, instead I went to lunch and Office Depot and now I am at Starbucks because I have some things to do. And then I have to buy my books and I have to go to my class. I miss my bed.
I'm tired of being sick. I never want to be sick like this again.
Which leads me to this: my life is a fucking mess. I don't even know where to begin in telling you or where to begin in straightening it up. I think I should probably start small, but everything overwhelms me today. I just don't know where to begin, so I am doing the same old thing I do and sitting still. Sitting still and ignoring all the crap in my life, piled up around me. I've gotta get my shit together.
Because I seriously can't afford to be sick again. 
Ugh.
So, I whittled it down to one class, anatomy and physiology, because I am going to try this whole surgical tech program and that requires a lot more time to work and a lot more money. I have a lot of issues that need to be worked out though, in the time before, including financial aide and finding my immunization record. I'm kind of overwhelmed by that whole situation, too. I don't really know that I can handle the cut in hours once classes start, or the saving enough money to do so in the time before. I don't really know that I can handle taking a twelve-month course. I don't really know what I can handle anymore. After Saturday's physical and mental break down, I think I'm a little shaken. People like to tell me I am brave or I am strong, and I usually don't take the compliment. Because I don't believe it. I think in reality, I'm really just standing still, shaking in my shoes. I'm not sure I can do anything at all.
That sucks.

But How do I Know if I'll Make it Through?

Comments

  1. AnonymousWednesday, 22 August, 2012

    You should have watched "The Wire" LOL. I hope you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Skeleton_FriendThursday, 23 August, 2012

    I would have watched The Wire, but it didn't come in a giant, velvet boxset with every season conveniently inside. Too bad.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I-5

On a chilly Sunday evening in mid-January, two young women rolled up to the TransAmerica Title Building on the outskirts of Salem, Oregon, just off Interstate 5, to clean the office. It was their usual Sunday job, though today they had gotten a bit of a late start, having to shower and stop for gas, so they didn't arrive to the business complex until after nine p.m. The office had wide, welcoming windows on every wall and, with the bright florescent lights flipped on, the effect was to create a fishbowl-like scene, the women bustling around in their duties like two busy, little fish. They'd left the door unlocked and entertained themselves by chatting to each other, the two of them best friends. They were Shari Hull, twenty-years-old and the daughter of the owner of the housekeeping company with which they were both employed, and Beth Wilmot, also twenty and a fairly recent transplant to Salem from Spokane, Washington. She'd come for work, and along with steady pay, she
2 comments
Read more

By the Barrel of a Silver Gun (I-5 Part Two)

In early February of 1981, authorities from Salem flew down the Interstate 5 corridor and assembled with detectives and law officials from northern California and southern Oregon. Each detective had a crime, or two, in their jurisdiction matching a particular modus operandi , and the list of incidents just kept growing. When they gathered, they had no idea the scope of the mystery they were unraveling or just far it was going to reach. It started with a robbery. On December 9, 1980, in Vancouver, Washington, a gas station was held up at gun point, the female attendant left alone in the store. A man entered wearing a brown coat and a fake beard. He demanded cash and brandished a small, silver gun to prove he was serious. The cashier obliged.  A few days later, in Eugene, Oregon, on December thirteenth, a Baskin-Robbins was robbed by a man holding a silver gun and wearing a fake beard and a band aid across his nose.  In Albany, Oregon, a drive-in was hit on December fou
2 comments
Read more

Wah Mee Massacre

On a chilly February night, five days after the start of the Chinese New Year, 1983, three young men walked into one of the most renowned, high-stakes gambling dens in the heart of Seattle's Chinatown International District and walked away with thousands of dollars of cash in their pockets and fourteen lives hanging in the balance in their wake.  The club was the Wah Mee, a sixty-year-old casino and bar that catered exclusively to Chinese clientele and hosted the highest-stakes illegal gambling in the Pacific Northwest. The men were 22-year-old Kwan Fai "Willie" Mak, 20-year-old Benjamin Ng, and 25-year-old Wai Chiu "Tony" Ng.  Willie Mak was born in Kwangtung Province in mainland China and immigrated to the US with his family in 1975 when he was fifteen. By 22, Willie was a high school drop out, working various jobs in and around Seattle, and had a penchant for gambling. He was well-known in the International District gambling clubs, including the Wah Me
2 comments
Read more