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Screw It, I'm Iron Man

Yesterday I took the day off and pretty much just hung out with my mom. She wanted to attend a meeting for people suffering from facial pain and trigeminal neuralgia and hear about a new treatment that's not so hard on the liver. That was interesting, seeing how the nerves in the face and neck work and why people have TN. I actually think the procedure might work, although we won't know until she tries. Hell, it may even work for my pain/headaches/back issues.
On the way to the meeting, we made up a budget for me for the rest of the year. It isn't so bad, I left a little in there for some creature comforts I still want every week and I should be saving plenty, if I can just stick to the plan. That's always the issue with me. I never stick to the plan. I get bored or tired or stubborn and I just don't want to bother anymore, so I don't. And that's when I go back to spending outrageously and saving nothing and wondering why I can't seem to keep any money in the bank. I'm always stuck, at the end of the week or two weeks or month, with nothing in the bank and very little in my pocket to live off of. It's not very comforting or very comfortable, and yet I allow myself to get there every time I get paid. I'm really starting to tire of the game I play with myself. Sure, I have learned how to live off of very little, kind of like Justin Timblerlake's character in that movie about time (In Time, I think?), I am used to living one day at a time. But, I don't really like it. Actually, I don't think anyone likes it, but some of us can't get out of it. I'd really like out.
As per normal, I spent most of the day wondering if I was even capable of sticking to a budget, let alone working to change the parts of my life I don't like. I really don't know if I have the strength or the discipline. In fact, I pretty sure I have neither. The whole idea of a personal overhaul is exhausting. And I know I am supposed to do one thing at a time and take life day by day, but it's hard to keep my mind off of all the things I want to do. And, I guess it's probably true that if you find discipline in one aspect of my life, I will probably find it in another, or it will at least be easier to implement. But I am always doubtful and always skeptical and never really thinking all that highly of myself as it is. So, how likely am I to really succeed?
The idea of living like this forever is terrifying and very unsettling, but I can't shake the voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me this is all there is for me. It keeps telling me I am going to be doing this with myself for ever. It is telling me I am never going to change. I don't like that voice very much. Have you ever tried to silence the negativity in your head? It's not easy.
I guess that I just don't have a lot of confidence that I am capable of change. And, with all the evidence stacked up behind me in the past, how am I supposed to believe that I can? I guess I haven't figured that out yet.
So, that was my day yesterday. I was off from work, which was nice, but I was haunted by the looming start of shift time this morning. I just didn't want to come back.
I did some laundry and ate free food and then I went home, to my ridiculous apartment, so I could sleep and prepare for my day today.
And, as I crawled into bed, it started to pour. So I laid there and I watched it rain and a kind of calm came over me. And I thought to myself that I can do anything. 'Cause, screw it, I'm capable. I just need to accept that I can.

I Don't Need a Mask to Save the World

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