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I Don't Believe in Anything But Myself

I think my body tried to kill me.
I mean, seriously, what happens when you are overworked and under-slept and that sinus problem you can't shake is getting worse but you don't think you have anymore chances to call-in at work? Your body tries to kill you. And it hurts. And it's messy--which is really a lot worse than the hurts part. I mean, ouch is ouch, but there are some things you never want to experience or you might have to kill yourself. Yeah, my body tried to kill me.
But, I am not going to kill myself, because I didn't let it get that bad. I drew the line at "ambulance", even though deep, deep down inside I wanted one. I wanted to call 911. But, then, I AM 911, so the whole idea was a little humiliating.
Instead, Bonnie drove me in her personal vehicle to the ED at St. John and I proceeded to save my own life, since my body had turned on me. Apparently, I am overworked and under-slept and what I really needed was not a new antibiotic or a bag of saline--although I happily took both--it was a day of fucking rest. No, let's make that two. 
Well, actually, I am making it five, but I have class and a team meeting I have to attend on my scheduled days off, so really, two and a half-ish. And I spent the entire time laying in bed, trying to drink plenty of fluids, and watching the first three seasons of Sex and the City, which only served to remind me a.) how much fun sex is and b.) that I am completely unfabulous. Oh, also that I should drink more. 
And, anyway, I do feel better, but I think I'd like another few days in bed. 
Except that after two and a half days, I am tired of being tired. So, instead I went to lunch and Office Depot and now I am at Starbucks because I have some things to do. And then I have to buy my books and I have to go to my class. I miss my bed.
I'm tired of being sick. I never want to be sick like this again.
Which leads me to this: my life is a fucking mess. I don't even know where to begin in telling you or where to begin in straightening it up. I think I should probably start small, but everything overwhelms me today. I just don't know where to begin, so I am doing the same old thing I do and sitting still. Sitting still and ignoring all the crap in my life, piled up around me. I've gotta get my shit together.
Because I seriously can't afford to be sick again. 
Ugh.
So, I whittled it down to one class, anatomy and physiology, because I am going to try this whole surgical tech program and that requires a lot more time to work and a lot more money. I have a lot of issues that need to be worked out though, in the time before, including financial aide and finding my immunization record. I'm kind of overwhelmed by that whole situation, too. I don't really know that I can handle the cut in hours once classes start, or the saving enough money to do so in the time before. I don't really know that I can handle taking a twelve-month course. I don't really know what I can handle anymore. After Saturday's physical and mental break down, I think I'm a little shaken. People like to tell me I am brave or I am strong, and I usually don't take the compliment. Because I don't believe it. I think in reality, I'm really just standing still, shaking in my shoes. I'm not sure I can do anything at all.
That sucks.

But How do I Know if I'll Make it Through?

Comments

  1. AnonymousWednesday, 22 August, 2012

    You should have watched "The Wire" LOL. I hope you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Skeleton_FriendThursday, 23 August, 2012

    I would have watched The Wire, but it didn't come in a giant, velvet boxset with every season conveniently inside. Too bad.

    ReplyDelete

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