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I am Allowed to Say How I Feel

I have had a long couple of weeks. I have been sick and exhausted and lacking patience. I have been in serious need of a vacation. I haven't been in a very good mood. And I have figured out that I can't be an ambulance driver for much longer. Certainly not for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I like driving, I like running hot. There is something quite nice about merging onto the highway, flooring the gas pedal, alternating the sirens, and cutting through traffic in a big ass truck with a giant box on the back. There isn't a whole lot in this world like it. Yes, it's fun. But, driving every day, five days a week, twelve hours a day, everywhere we go...
We finally make it to post and I am feeling the serious need to shut my eyes for ten minutes, that's when the hour changes and we have to put it in gear again. And every patient that wants a trip to the hospital. In our system, I can't take over a BLS call and chill in the back with my probably-not-sick patient. I have to trudge around to the cab and get our asses to the hospital. Every time.
Lately, I have been missing turns. Not exiting at Yale when we are going to St. Francis. Completely oblivious to which street we are approaching until I am already passing 21st in the left lane when I needed to execute a right turn toward Johns. I'm out of it. I am wasted on exhaustion. I am tired of always taking the wheel. All I want is to sit comfortably in the passenger seat and give someone else condescending directions for once. (I can get us pretty much there. It is my job to know and look like I know where I am going. But that does not mean, a, You should completely assume I can get us to the exact house in the exact neighborhood or, b, You should tell me how from the moment I light it up, and do so with a snarky, hateful attitude as if I were a child; as if my pointing us in the right direction were a fluke. Treat me like an adult, people.)
I can't look at the world from the driver's seat anymore. If I really wanted to drive a truck sixty hours a week, I'd have gotten my training in semis. At least then I would have union benefits.
Yes, there are some perks to working on an ambulance over a big rig, sure. Patient care for one. I do actually get to do somethings here and there. Maybe I get to be part of something good, do something important once in a while. But does it make up for it? Essentially, no matter what your medic says or how the company spins it, all you are is the driver. The chauffeur to the big, bad hospital where all the more important people are waiting to talk to the more important para all about the person on your cot. You're the driver. But, if you're lucky, they will treat you like you're their personal servant, instead of their personal chauffeur. (I didn't realize my blue and white patch said house wife on it under EMT.)
The only way I will get out of this lifestyle, out of being treated like I am someone's personal shit-taker, doormat extraordinaire, driver to the stars, will be to get a higher level of certification. But, quite honestly, I don't want to do that here. This company, this business is in the habit of eating their own, and I don't want to be a part of that.
But, I also can't drive an ambulance for much longer. I wasn't cut out for this. The long hours are fine. The belligerent patients are funny. The work is fantastic, once you're actually doing something important to the call. I love those pieces of my job, but they are just pieces. The driving, the hours spent at the wheel, the hours spent putting up with arrogant paras, the constant expectation to make your partner look good all the while he turns around and throws more shit your way...I can't do this. Not here, in this suck of a town. Not for this pay. Not for all the good days ahead. I am not your puppet, your personal punching bag, your full time servant. And I am not your fucking chauffeur. I am not an ambulance driver.

I haven't found out about scrub school. If I get wait-listed, I'll go for para, but I am truly just looking for more; to give me hope that there is something out there that makes me feel better. Because, today, this week, I don't feel like anything. Like anybody. I feel useless.

These Days I'm Not Feeling Much

Comments

  1. Kristin GTuesday, 06 March, 2012

    Sounds like you've had a rough go lately. But I know you. You're determined, smart and resourceful. You will definitely go on to something bigger and better. I am now going to have a cup of coffee in your honor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Skeleton_FriendTuesday, 06 March, 2012

      Aww, thanks girl. It has been a long couple of weeks, but I am feeling better and in a much better mood than I was, so that's something.
      Thanks for reading. We should have coffee some day, when you're available. :) Enjoy your cup today.

      Delete

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